


A (Road) Trip Down Memory Lane

by BlueJay26



Series: Poetry and Birds [7]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: And Friendship, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Road Trips, just a lot of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29978319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueJay26/pseuds/BlueJay26
Summary: Andrew and Neil take a look into Andrew's past, and find new friends.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Original Character(s)/Original Character(s)
Series: Poetry and Birds [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888687
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend rereading Parts I and II of this series as well as chapters 8 and 10 of Scattered Letters. This is just to refresh your memory and for the backstory to make sense. If you don't want to that's perfectly fine!
> 
> TW: mentions of abuse, Neil’s and Andrew's backstories are mentioned, parental physical abuse mentioned, abusive relationship mentioned

Andrew drives slower the closer they get to Joliet, Illinois. They started out at dawn, and the nine-hour drive passed quicker in the Maserati, than Neil thought it would. It’s almost three in the afternoon, and Andrew has skipped almost every song that’s played for the past hour.

“Do you need a bathroom break?” He asks, still fiddling with Neil’s phone.

Neil takes the phone away and switches off the music. “We stopped an hour back.”

Andrew ignores him. “I think we need more snacks.”

“We’re ten minutes away from a hotel. Andrew, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I do not do anything I do not want to.”

“Okay, then we can go tomorrow, if you want. We can use today to rest.”

“I do not want to stay in this place longer than I have to.”

Neil nods. He can guess the type of memories that this town must evoke in Andrew. Even without the past affecting him, Neil doesn’t like this town. It’s small, like their town, but everyone looks tired and angry. It reminds him of the towns he and his mother used to hide in, large enough for them to be anonymous, but small enough that people would notice if they went missing.

Andrew’s knuckles are white around the wheel, and Neil is tempted to offer an out a second time. But he doesn’t. This is something Andrew needs to do. That’s why they’ve driven almost a whole day. Not so they can turn back as soon as they get there. Either way, Neil will support him.

He rests his hand, palm up, between them. Andrew takes it.

They stop at the local library to ask for directions. The librarian on duty looks at them suspiciously, but tells them anyway. Andrew looks like he’s two seconds from pulling a knife on somebody, so Neil tugs on his jumper. He stalks back out and pulls away as soon as Neil closes his door. 

Fifteen minutes later, they pull up outside a tidy house in the suburbs. The hedges are trimmed, the lawn is mowed, the house itself is spick and span on the outside. It looks a lot like Neil’s and Andrew’s house. Andrew sucks in an audible breath before unlocking the door and getting out. Neil follows him.

They stare up at the house. Neil is transported back ten years, standing on the outside and looking in. Except now he’s there with Andrew. And they aren’t outcasts. They have their own house and garden waiting for them. If this goes badly, they’ll need it. 

Andrew breathes out slowly, then strides up to the door. He looks at Neil one last time before ringing the bell. Neil follows slower; this isn’t his history to interfere with. Andrew’s staring at a point just above the knocker, trying to compose himself. Or prepare himself for the worst.

A man with a child on his hip opens the door, and for a second Neil thinks the librarian gave them the wrong address. 

Andrew says, “Does Julia Henderson live here?”

The man frowns but calls into the house, “Lia, someone to see you.”

There’s the sound of footsteps, then a lady peers around the man. She’s a little taller than Neil, pleasant looking, with brown hair in a bun. Both she and her husband don’t appear threatening, but neither did Renee. She doesn’t appear to recognise them, but Neil shouldn’t expect everyone to know them. 

Andrew goes to take a step forward, but thinks better of it and stops. Neil’s never seen him so unsure before. Neil decides to take matters into his own hands - there’s no need to make Andrew more uncomfortable than he is already.

Neil nods to both of them. “Good evening. Sorry to barge in like this.”

Julia raises an eyebrow at him. “Stop beating around the bush.”

That seems to shock Andrew into action. He pulls the notebook from their backpack and holds it out to her. “You gave me this 15 years ago. I wanted to let you know that you were right. I did endure.”

Her face loses some of its severity when she sees the book. Making no move to take it from him, she smiles and asks, “Andrew? Andrew Doe?”

“It’s Minyard now, but yes.”

The man moves aside to let her through, and Neil realises he’d been shielding her. No surprise, considering the pair he and Andrew make. She steps out, barefoot, and stops in front of Andrew.

“Hi.” 

And Andrew, who can’t bear wasting words on anyone other than Neil, says, “Hey, Julia.”

“Come in, both of you. How long do you plan on staying?”

Neil nods to the man again, before stepping past him, leaving Julia and Andrew to catch up. The man tries to shepherd Neil into the kitchen, but Andrew grabs Neil’s hand and glares. They follow Julia into the living room, and sit down. Julia sits opposite them, the man joins them with the child.

He starts the conversation. “I’m Claude, Julia’s partner, I guess. That’s Deborah.”

“I’m Neil. This is Andrew.”

“Come a long way?”

Andsrew doesn’t look inclined to answer, so Neil says, “About eight hours. Not very long.”

Julia hums. “And emotionally?”

Andrew huffs. “Quite a long way.”

“Thought so.” 

They have slight accents that Neil’s trying to place, but it’s very light. Probably been in America for a while then. They’re dressed casually, typical for a day at home. The man handles the kid gently, lovingly. He’s eyeing Neil the same way Neil’s watching him, though, so he’s been through  _ something _ . 

“We aren’t here to make trouble,” Neil says, feeling the need to reassure them.

“Am I supposed to believe you?” 

Julia starts to say something but Neil interrupts. “Doesn’t matter if you do or not. It’s the truth.”

“So why did you drive eight hours, if not to cause trouble?”

Andrew’s hand lands on his thigh the same moment Julia says, “Claude!”

Neil narrows his eyes. He knows he’s being baited. But he trusts Andrew’s judgement.

Julia smiles at them, but Neil can see the edge to her as well. “I’m sorry, Claude’s rather… protective.”

Andrew stays where he is. “No, it’s alright. I’m sure Claude is curious about me,  _ ne c’est pas _ ?”

Neil blinks. With two sentences, Andrew had figured out his origins. Andrew squeezes his leg, and Neil can feel a smile growing on his face.

Julia waves Claude away. “He’s just jumpy. He doesn’t know you, after all. So Neil, how do you factor into this?”

Andrew lays a hand on Neil’s. “He helped me get through college. I helped him live long enough to do that. You’re more cautious than I remember.”

Julia nods, gliding past the implied question. “Do you want to stay for dinner? We have a lot to talk about.”

“If Claude doesn’t mind,” Neil says. “I know how it looks, us descending on you like this. And he doesn’t know about Andrew, either.”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d make it. I didn’t feel like telling anyone else about my failure.”

Andrew leans forward. “You never failed me. You were young too. You did the best you could. If not for poetry, I don’t think I’d be sitting here today. You didn’t fail me, the world did.”

Neil lays his hand on top of Andrew’s; that line means more to him than he’ll ever say. It isn’t just Andrew reassuring Julia. It’s Andrew saying he knows nothing he suffered was his fault. It’s Andrew’s outright acceptance of what Neil told him six years ago.

“Deborah isn’t our child. Her mother is part of a gang, and didn’t want a child cramping her style. She was going to go into foster care. I couldn’t let that happen, not after seeing the things that happen. We adopted her, and we’re trying to adopt her older brother too. He’s part of his mother’s gang, and resisting us. But you should see the things they do, Andrew, it’s awful. But we’re being targeted. When Lizzie called and said two men were asking after us, we assumed the worst. That’s why we were so,” She trails off. Claude kisses her head before taking Deborah and leaving.

“I know. You’re doing the right thing, Julia.”

“How about you? Is Minyard a-” she cuts herself off, but Neil gets her meaning.  _ Is Minyard a placeholder, or did you find a family? _

“I have a twin brother. Our mother kept him. We have a cousin who took care of us through high school and college. I share Minyard with my twin. He’s doing his residency with his husband down south. My cousin’s in Germany with his fiance. Neil and I live in Arkansas, but our teams are further away. We’re going to transfer soon.”

“You went into sports?”

“No, Neil dragged me into sports.” Andrew turns his hand over, intertwining his fingers with Neil’s.

Neil laughs, because that hasn’t been true for years now. “You should google him. He’s considered the best goalie in the league.”

Andrew looks at him, but Neil is proud of his boyfriend and Julia should be too. 

“May I do that?”

Andrew strokes his thumb over Neil’s hand. “Go ahead.”

Julia pulls out her phone. Moments later, she looks up. “It says you have higher statistics than any other goalie in exy?”

“That means he’s blocked the most shots on goal successfully.”

“Oh. That’s amazing!”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Shut up. Neil is competing for the title of best striker, against my brother's husband.”

She’s still scrolling through her phone. “Kevin Day?”

“That’s the one. Also, if you keep scrolling, you will find a lot more unsavoury information about us.”

“Oh, then I suppose I should stop here.”

Andrew shrugs. So does Neil. It’s not a secret, but they should probably ease her into it.  _ I killed my mother, and my boyfriend’s father tried to kill him _ is not the best way to reconnect.

Deborah starts wailing from the kitchen, and Claude comes in holding her. “She wants you.”

Julia takes the child, rocking her until she settles down. Claude watches Andrew and Neil and their intertwined hands and Andrew’s thumb caressing Neil’s hand. He sits down when Deborah falls asleep. 

Julia looks at him. “I invited Andrew and Neil to stay for dinner.”

He nods. “Okay.”

“We don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m sure there’s a diner we can stop at.” 

Julia laughs. “They aren’t very nice ones.”

Andrew says, “Neil’s talking about a truck stop. He calls actual diners restaurants. There is a truck stop outside town.”

“We don’t have to trouble you, then.”

“Neil, shut up and accept the hospitality.”

Claude jumps in. “I’m sorry about my earlier behaviour. I’m very protective about us. You may have been gang members for all we knew.”

“You were right to question us. I would have too. It’s understandable, considering.”

Claude nods. Andrew’s forgiveness is never explicit, but he has a way of comforting people with a few words. The tension in the room decreases drastically after that, and they spend the next few hours chatting about their lives. It feels almost normal. 

At one point, Julia gets up to check on dinner and hands Deborah to Andrew unthinkingly. Claude stiffens, but Deborah snuggles into him, and he relaxes again. 

Neil nudges Andrew. “You’re good with kids.” 

Andrew answers the unasked question, “There were a lot of them in foster homes. I was given the task of comforting them.”

Claude asks, “What is your story, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I was put in foster care. I was abused. I was reunited with my twin and birth mother when I was fifteen. She died. My cousin took care of us. The three of us played exy in college. I met Neil there.”

Neil chimes in before Claude can ask. “You don’t want to know my story. Trust me.”

Claude nods. “I came here without papers. From Belgium. I needed the money to pay for my mother’s treatment. When she died, I had nothing to go back home to. I returned legally after the funeral and hitchhiked across the US. I met Julia three years ago. We got married last year.”

Neil considers this. “You called yourself her partner?”

“Complicated relationship with my gender.”

“Oh,” Andrew says. “You didn’t tell us your pronouns.”

“I don’t particularly care about them. It’s just that I’m not her husband. I’m her partner.”

Neil grins. “That’s fine. Andrew and I could barely say boyfriend when we started dating.”

“We had trust issues,” Andrew says bluntly.

That startles a laugh out of Claude. He rolls his eyes when Julia pops her head in, looking shocked. 

He gets up, stopping to squeeze her hand. “I’ll go see to dinner. You entertain the company.”

Neil and Andrew share yet another glance. It’s so strange to visit people and stay for dinner, be called company. It’s surreal. Neil wonders briefly if this is a dream. But no, they’re really sitting here, with a car outside that they own, with a house waiting for them, with each other to lean on. 

Julia smiles at them. “Feels weird, right?”

Andrew raises an eyebrow at her.

“Being treated normally. I felt that too when I first met Claude. He didn’t see any of my issues, just accepted me.”

Andrew nods, but says, “This has been honesty hour, but I still don’t know why you said ‘people like us’ all those years ago.”

“My father was physically abusive. I had some unhealthy coping mechanisms before I discovered books. I didn’t want you to go through what I did. Although, after you were sent away, I fell into an abusive relationship. When Claude first approached me, I flinched and ran away. He didn’t act like that was unnatural, just waited till I approached him. He’s great.”

“I was running away when Andrew and I met. He slammed an exy racquet into my stomach.”

“In my defense, I was on court-ordained drugs.” But Andrew’s chewing on the corner of his lip; he’s holding in a smile. He’s still holding Deborah and Neil wishes he could capture this moment and just replay it forever. Then his mind leaps to Andrew holding their own child, and his brain shuts down. 

Julia’s laugh startles him out of his thoughts. “No matter how you got together, y’all’re good for each other.”

Neil wants that hidden smile to slip through. “No, we got together months later, after I bought him a car.”

Andrew’s lip twitches. “Patently untrue.”

“No, really. I bought him a car and his response was to kiss me.”

“I threatened to push him off a roof and his response was to buy me a car.”

Julia’s nearly in tears, but Andrew’s barely cracked a smile. He’d cottoned on to Neil’s plan in seconds. Now it’s a competition to see which one of them will crack first. It’ll be Neil, it’s always Neil, but he’s going to try.

“I got his previous car trashed, so he threatened to push me off a roof. Buying him a car and our first kiss are definitely connected.”

Andrew’s smile creeps through and Neil lets the grin he’d been hiding slip out as well. It feels so  _ good _ to joke about these things without anyone judging them. Julia’s right, it feels weird but nice to be treated normally. And to be able to act normally with no one judging them. The only people who treat them the same as Julia and Claude do are Kara and Adam. Mostly because of Gabe’s unending love for Neil. And Andrew, although he denies it vehemently.

Dinner is lovely. After all the tension dissipates, the four of them find a lot more common ground than just tumultuous childhoods. They stay so late Andrew agrees to stay the night before leaving. They find a hotel and settle down for the night. Neil still can’t forget the picture of Andrew holding a child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who didn't bother to reread the previous bits, Julia was the librarian who introduced Andrew to poetry and rekindled his hope for humanity.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Neil rolls over from where he’d collapsed on the couch to watch Andrew. He’s putting his night clothes on, an oversized banyan and loose briefs. He looks over as if he can feel Neil’s eyes on him. He gives him a half smile. It isn’t much, but in Neil’s head it’s overlaid by the picture of him smiling and rocking Deborah. Neil clears his throat and looks away. Then he looks back in case that looked suspicious.

He tries to start a conversation. “Today went well.”

Andrew hums. “She’s exactly how I remember. Well, apart from saving kids from gang life. I didn’t think she had the guts for work like that.”

“I don’t know,” Neil says, catching the toothbrush Andrew throws and getting up reluctantly. “She reminded me of Renee. But it’s possible she changed after meeting Claude.”

“She reminds me of Renee too. A misleading blend of kindness and street smarts.”

Neil nudges Andrew out of the way so he can get to the sink. “It is misleading. But Julia and Claude seem like good people.”

Andrew puts his toothbrush away, and goes back into the bedroom. “They do,” he says, raising his voice to be heard over the sound of the tap. “I’d like to stay in touch with them.”

Neil yawns, trying to find his way to the bed with his eyes closed. “Yeah, me too. We need more friends than just the college ones.”

“No,” Andrew says firmly.

“What? You were just agreeing with me,” Neil says, trying to tug the sheets back and get into bed.

“I’m not letting you into bed unless you change.”

“But Drew, I’m tired. It’s been a long day.”

Andrew, like the clean freak he is, pushes Neil off the bed. “You know the rules, darling.”

“You can’t weaponise my pet name like that,” Neil complains, but he starts digging through his suitcase.

“Says you.” Then, changing tack, “What’s on your mind, Neil?” 

Neil freezes. “Why do you ask?”

“You’ve been twitchy all evening. Is something wrong?”

Neil considers. He can either tell Andrew everything now and receive no judgement whatsoever, or he can say no and Andrew will back down and never mention it again. He doesn’t want to drop the subject though. He wants Andrew’s opinion on the matter. He gets into bed before he starts, curling in to face Andrew.

“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just, well, we were at their house today. We were visiting them.” Andrew nods, patient with Neil. “You were holding Deborah, and I keep seeing that image in my mind. Over and over. And there’s this little niggling thought that keeps saying  _ what if that was our child you were holding _ . And I know you probably don’t want kids, and even if we did, neither of us are ready to take that step, but I can’t help but think about it.” Neil can tell he’s about to start rambling, so he shuts his mouth and lies back.

Andrew watches him for a moment. “Who told you I don’t want kids?”

Neil blinks,  _ that’s _ the part he’s going to focus on? “Studies that say abused children are less likely to become parents because they want to stop the cycle of abuse.”

“Another way of stopping the cycle of abuse is to parent but do it right. There’s no way either of us would turn out like anyone who raised us.” He pauses. “If we ever became parents, that is.”

The proof that Andrew’s as nervous as Neil is gives Neil courage. “Also kids are messy and annoying and loud and aren’t allowed in exy changing rooms. I wouldn’t want that.”

Andrew huffs a tired laugh. “Neil, we’re talking about kids, not babies. I agree, we’re far too active for a baby. And they are messy. I wouldn’t want a baby either.”

“So,” Neil says, confident now, “hypothetically, if we wanted to be parents, we’d want older kids? Like kids who are vaguely sentient, at least.”

“Weird phrasing, but yes. We’d want vaguely sentient human beings.”

Neil snuggles closer to Andrew, close to sleep now that the hard part’s over. Andrew puts an arm around him, slips one foot under Neil’s.

“I didn’t know you wanted kids,” he says into Andrew’s shoulder.

“I thought it was obvious. Our house has five bedrooms.”

“Oh, I assumed those were for visitors. Like how Kev and Aaron visited last year.”

Andrew presses a kiss to his head. “Go to sleep, darling. You can worry about bedroom arrangements later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attacks, implied past child abuse - for more info check end notes (To skip this, stop reading at "Getting up and stretching, Neil can see..." right to the end)

Neil wakes up with his head still buried in Andrew’s chest. When he looks up, he sees Andrew watching him, not cautiously, but not normally. His mind immediately leaps back to the previous night and runs through all the number of things that might have happened during the night. Andrew’s arms tighten around him before letting go completely so Neil can get out of bed. 

When Neil returns to the bedroom, Andrew’s still sitting on the bed, a piece of paper in his hands. Neil recognises it as one of their letters. He goes over to the bed and sits next to Andrew.

Andrew starts talking with no prompting. “I wrote this months ago. After last night, I think you should read it.” 

Neil takes the letter and lays it on the bed. “Will me reading this make you uncomfortable?”

“No.” Andrew pauses. “Maybe.”

“Then I don’t have to read it.”

“I want you to,” Andrew says stubbornly. “If I didn’t want you to, I wouldn’t have brought it with me.”

“But you only want me to read it after last night?”

Andrew looks away. “It’s been in my pocket since I wrote it. I wanted your ideas on it before I gave it to you. Or buried it.”

“I always want to hear what you have to say, even if I don’t agree with it.”

“Not if it makes you feel obliged to do something about it.”

Neil sighs. Every time they have a variation of this argument, Andrew wins, and it certainly isn’t going to be different this time. He picks up the letter. 

_ Neil,  _

_ You looked so… cute today? No, you didn’t look cute. But you were existing and I blanked, and I suppose ‘cute’ is the only English word that can describe that. You looked like you belonged, and Neil, it made me want to smile. I’ve never seen you look so uncomfortable yet happy. Wait, you’ve probably guessed what I saw, but let me show you what you looked like to me. _

_ I was out buying the weekly groceries, and you were at home (as far as I knew). I had paid and was putting the stuff in the car (they didn’t have carrots), when I heard a familiar voice across the street, followed by a child’s laugh. Naturally, my attention was drawn to your doppelganger.  _

_ But I looked over, and who did I see? Yes, my beautiful boyfriend crouching down and talking to a kid. You looked so soft, but you also looked like you were searching for the nearest exit. Then his mother happened along, and y’all had an entire conversation, all while he clung to your hand and played with your hair.  _

_ I couldn’t help myself, I said fuck the groceries and just stood there and watched you. The two of you were adorable, Neil, you haven’t a clue how good you looked. It isn’t just the fact that you and a child is an amazing concept, it’s also that you got more comfortable the more he talked, and you responded and you made him so happy. Neil, for the nth time, you’ve rendered me speechless.  _

_ When I was a child, I would have given anything for someone to talk to me the way you spoke to him. You didn’t baby him, but you also didn’t make him uncomfortable by treating him like an adult. Maybe I’m just projecting, but in my eyes you were perfect to him. I love you.  _

_ He tugged your hair at one point to get your attention, and you just turned and smiled at him, even though children have no concept of their strength. I cannot explain why that gesture meant so much to me. It did. I wanted to cross the street and pick you up and hug you. Right there. The only reason I didn’t was because I would have scared the kid away. _

_ When you left them, you jogged backwards so you could wave at him. I waited till you were out of sight and then I sat down and pulled my paper and pen from the glove compartment. I’ve been sitting here, in a parking lot, and describing something you did to you because it was the best thing I’ve seen all day. _

_ I’m not sure if I’m going to give you this letter right away. I don’t feel comfortable with everything I’ve written here. But I knew I had to write it all down immediately before I lost the feeling. It was a good feeling. I think I may have liked it. _

_ Andrew _ 🎔

“This was the first time I met Kara and Gabe.”

Andrew nods. “You came home and told me how weird yet adorable he had been.”

“But if you’d already seen it, me telling you was a waste of time.”

“We were sitting on our porch and drinking tea. There was no wasting of time involved. I like hearing you talk.”

“I like hearing you talk as well. And reading your letters.”

Andrew rests his head on Neil’s shoulder. “Thoughts?”

“On the letter? I think you don’t give yourself enough credit. There is no way you could have scared Gabe away. Sometimes I think he likes you more than he likes me.”

“It isn’t a competition, Neil.”

“Oh really? So when you blocked one of my goals last week and saluted the cameras, that wasn’t you being competitive?”

Andrew sighs, but his lips twitch. “It isn’t a competition because Gabe likes you more. I haven’t a chance.”

“I disagree. Tangents aside, I’m glad you gave this letter to me. I wouldn’t want to think you were just going along with something I wanted. I know you wouldn’t do that.”

“But you can’t stop the insecurities,” Andrew finishes for him. “We wouldn’t do that to the children in question.”

Neil considers. They wouldn’t give the children the insecurities they have, or they wouldn’t make the kids feel like one of them didn’t have their heart in this? Andrew’s speech patterns are very confusing when he’s nervous. Either way, he’s right. Neil kisses his head and wraps his hand around Andrew’s.

They sit there for a while, until Andrew says, “If we don’t start now, we’ll reach home after midnight.”

Neil huffs. But he’s right. They need to say bye to Julia and Claude and that’ll probably take a while. And then they have a nine hour drive back the way they came. 

Getting up and stretching, Neil can see Andrew’s mask fall back into place. His face hardens, the lines of cruelty become more pronounced, his mouth curls into a faint sneer. For a moment, Neil is transported back to college, to a different time, a different Andrew, a different Neil. They’ve come so far.

He starts folding the clothes he’d thrown in a corner last night, ready to put in one of Andrew’s laundry bags. “I’m not going to ask.”

“I am not going to tell you.”

Neil nods and goes to pack up their toothbrushes. When he comes back Andrew’s still sitting on the bed, staring at his hands. Neil knows not to disturb him when he’s like this. He hates this, hates that coming here had awakened such memories in Andrew. He has to accept it, though, because he does this too. He takes one look at an airport, a train station and starts running. It’s their lot in life. But god help him, Neil is going to do his utmost to make sure his and Andrew’s children don’t grow up like that.

They leave Joliet by eleven. Julia must see the difference in Andrew because she doesn’t try to start a conversation. Once they’re in the car, heading away from that town and all its memories, Andrew reaches across the gearshift and takes Neil’s hand. He doesn’t let go for the entire time they’re in the car, grip tighter than a drowning man’s. They’re nearly home when Andrew suddenly swerves to the side of the road. He stops the car on the shoulder. 

Neil sits up from his slouch against the window. Andrew’s still holding his hand, but he’s shaking from head to toe. He sucks in deep breaths, head against the steering wheel, trembling like a leaf. Neil tries to extract his hand from Andrew’s, but he only holds on tighter. 

So Neil asks, “Yes or no?”

“Yes.” It’s panted out, almost desperately.

Neil reaches across the hand brake and undoes Andrew’s seat belt with his free hand. As soon as the belt loosens, Andrew collapses sideways onto Neil. Neil turns in his seat and wraps his arm around him. Andrew’s harsh breaths are loud, raspy. He’s shaking uncontrollably, curled into Neil. Neil sits there in the dark, feeling helpless. All he can do is stroke Andrew’s back and breathe deeply and hope Andrew matches his breaths. 

After a while, he feels his shirt start to get wet, either with spit or tears. He doesn’t say anything, just keeps breathing steadily. Even though he wants to run back a couple hundred kilometres and murder an entire town. Andrew’s grip on his hand has slackened, but his teeth are still chattering. 

Slowly, so slowly, Andrew’s breathing starts to even out. He sits up and drags Neil into his lap. Neil curls around him, as if he can use his body as a shield. He drops his head to Andrew’s shoulder.

“We’re never doing that again,” Neil says. He will not let Andrew argue against this.

Andrew nods against Neil’s hair. While his breathing evens out, he’s still rigid. Neil reaches past Andrew and pulls one of their blankets from the backseat. Andrew lets him wrap it around them. Neil buries his face back in Andrew’s neck, Andrew’s arms tight around him. He isn’t sure which of them is more comforted by this.

Andrew takes a deep, shuddering breath, not as bad as the others but still bad. “It’s better now.”

“We can stay longer.”

“We’ll be here all night.”

Neil starts to extract himself from their tangle. “What do you say to going home and drinking hot chocolate all night?”

“Sounds shitty. Fine.”

“Do you want me to drive?”

“No.” Andrew kicks his shoes off as Neil clambers back into his seat.

It takes them a half hour to get home, and Andrew beelines for the shower the minute he’s parked the car. Neil unloads their bags and leaves them just inside the door. He goes to put the kettle on and find a fluffy comforter. Once he’s set up the library with blankets, duvet, and cushions, he goes to make the chocolate. 

Andrew comes out of their bedroom in sweatpants and a long sleeved sleep shirt. He takes a mug of cocoa from Neil and heads to the library. Neil follows after turning their phones off, changing, and locking up. When he enters the library, he expects to see Andrew sitting in the nest he’d made. Instead Andrew’s sitting at his desk, writing furiously. He looks up when Neil comes in but makes no move to join him on the floor. Neil drapes a blanket around him and refills his mug occasionally, but doesn’t attempt to do much else. He stops around dawn, capping his pen and looking down at Neil. 

He picks up his mug and flops into the nest Neil’s sitting in. He hums.

Neil leans their shoulders together. “Cathartic?”

“So-so.”

“You want to sleep here?”

“Yes.”

Neil puts both their mugs out of kicking distance and lies down. He turns towards Andrew, a silent invitation. Andrew takes it, tucking himself into Neil and sliding his leg under Neil’s. Neil waits until Andrew’s breathing has evened out completely before going to sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW explained: Andrew has a panic attack after being in a place he was abused in for too long. Neil takes care of him.
> 
> I'm very sorry if this seems like an incorrect portrayal of a panic attack, but I based it on my own as I process things a lot like Andrew. If there's anything you'd like me to change, do tell me.
> 
> If you want more Andreil letters, go read Part IV - Scattered Letters.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! :)


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